One-on-ones can be a tough thing for a tech leader, especially one that is newer to the role or one that’s never had a leader that did one-on-ones regularly or well. It’s an easy thing to skip over.
There was a time when I didn’t recognize their value or broke some of the most important rules when it came to one-on-ones. I’d never had a leader who had done them with me. We’d catch up informally, during a hallway “drive-by” or only when an issue cropped up. Of course, that meant that I was constantly blindsided with the irregular and infrequent feedback I did get – both good feedback and those things that I needed to work on.
By the time I’d moved into leadership, I’d come to recognize that they were important – but that doesn’t mean I did them right from the start. I’d get busy with a pile of meetings, or knee-deep in some other issue and forget to prep. Or I’d end up on an incident call or dealing with an outage and forget or cancel.
Over time, though, I realized what a terrible signal that was giving my team – regardless of today’s or yesterday’s fire, or how important or complex the app or design I might be working on was, what my team saw was a leader who didn’t prioritize them, their careers, or their needs.
It can also be a difficult group to meet with. Like you, your team is busy and might not be amenable to having their flow of work disrupted. Those who work in tech have a broad range of personality types, but that includes those that struggle with one-on-one interactions or may have challenging personalities. Even you might have to overcome some social anxiety in order to get comfortable with these kinds of meetings – I know I did.
The good news is that, of course, I got better. I did what you’re doing – I looked for ways to make the one-on-one time I spent with my developers, admins, middleware engineers, QA teams, and others more productive and meaningful.
Below you’ll find my top 10 tips for making your one-on-ones with your tech teams valuable for them and for you (a lot of these tips work for non-tech team members you might be leading, too, like UX designers, product and project managers, and so forth).
If you have a tip that you don’t see here, send it to me! It doesn’t matter how long I’ve been a leader, I know that there is always something new to learn!
The top 10 tips (plus a bonus) for great one-on-ones with your tech teams
Tip 1: One-on-ones don’t need to be weekly
Some insist that one-on-ones must be done on a weekly basis. For some team members, that may be true – there are people that need and want interaction with their leader that frequently.
However, they don’t NEED to be weekly. The number one most important thing to remember is that need to be consistent. Work with the individuals to define a cadence that works for them and for you – that includes both frequency and length of the meeting. Then, once you’ve set a schedule, move heaven and earth to make it work for every instance.
Obviously, I’m not telling you to call in during PTO or tell those on an outage call you need to drop off. But those are instances where you’re likely to know ahead of time or ones that are out of your control. As a leader, though, meeting, guiding, and listening to your team member is one of the most important mandates you have. You might feel like you’re too busy, but on your list of priorities, these meetings should be near the top.
Tip 1A (Bonus): Schedule those meetings for a time that works for you both
In light of that, it’s important that you work with your team members to come up with a time that works best for you both. Do you frequently get a lot of fires to deal with toward the end of the day? Try and book one-on-ones in the morning. Are you hit with a million requests when you walk in the door on Monday? Don’t schedule one-on-ones for Monday mornings.
Also, take into consideration the other person’s schedule. I had a great team member who would come in later, but stayed later – Chicago traffic can be a bear, and so he’d come up with a workaround for it. Setting a discussion for 9 AM would have been difficult for him to make, and would have appeared as if I didn’t appreciate his situation and how he’d created a system that worked for him.
If someone isn’t a morning person, don’t force them into an early discussion. Have someone who is drained at the end of the day? Don’t set a 4pm one-on-one. Do what you can to make these meetings as productive for both of you as possible.
Tip 2: Agenda-setting is a collaboration
Don’t get too anxious about this one – I’m already telling you that you’re not too busy for one on ones, telling you that you also have to build out an agenda might be one suggestion too far.
However, you do need some guidance about what you’ll talk about. Without it, these discussions can evolve into a rambling chat about work and personal life, and nothing gets accomplished.
Write down a few bullet points you’d like to discuss during your time. Consider what’s going to be important to discuss with this person, and use your notes (see Tip 4) to add follow-ups or updates on action items that you had from your last meeting.
Then ask the other person to bring some bullet points as well – driving the discussion in a one-on-one isn’t, and shouldn’t be, completely on your shoulders. Having lists from both of you will help keep the discussion on track and focused during your time together.
Once you’re together, compare bullet points and decide what the focus of this meeting will be. Prioritize, if needed, and if you don’t hit everything, decide if the remaining items can wait until the next meeting or if you should both find another time that will work to continue the conversation.
Tip 3: Be conscious of the location & setting
Every year, as part of our holiday traditions, my husband has us watch Christmas Vacation. This great John Hughes classic includes a scene where Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) presents his boss, Frank Shirley (Brian Doyle-Murray) with a wrapped, uniquely shaped present – identical to a heap of other wrapped, uniquely shaped presents on a table in Mr. Shirley’s office.
The scene is iconic, but what’s important for our discussion is the dynamic on display. Doyle-Murray’s character is ensconced behind a desk, establishing his role as the authority figure in the room. When he no longer wants to interact with Chase any longer, he picks up the phone and tells his assistant “Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I’m waiting!”
That’s not how you want your one-on-ones to be. Just as the agenda should be collaborative, so should the discussion. And then setting can make a big difference in establishing the tone.
If you’re doing a remote one-on-one, this might not be quite as applicable. But if you’re meeting face to face, try and pick a location and setting that puts you on even ground. If you’re meeting in your office, come around to the same side of the desk. In a conference room? Don’t sit across from one another. You can even consider heading outside for a walk (if you’re both interested in that) or to a park bench. Just make sure you’re able to focus on the discussion and take notes as needed.
Tip 4: Take notes – and use them
We’ve all got a million things on our minds. Taking notes is an ideal way to capture the most important points from a one-on-one conversation, as well as action items for both of you. Plus – despite what Bucky Barnes thinks when talking to his therapist – having a notebook and jotting down the crucial bits of a discussion indicates that you care about what’s being said and want to be sure to remember it.
Notes go well beyond the current meeting, though. A recording of what’s discussed can help you create your bullet points for the next meeting. They can also help when it comes to prepping quarterly and annual reviews. Instead of dredging up what happened nine months ago, you’ll have your notes to refer back to.
Tip 5: Save big discussions for a dedicated meeting
A lot of topics can surface during a one-on-one, but not all of them should be covered in these meetings. For instance, discussions about long-term career goals and reviews deserve their own space. Don’t try and cram them into a one-on-one.
Some feedback and coaching are natural in a one-on-one, but if the topic is big enough or the coaching intense enough, consider setting up a separate discussion.
Tip 6: Buffer the time
This one isn’t always possible, but if you can do it, Future You will thank Past You over and over again. If you can swing it, reserve the 15 minutes before and after a one-on-one. You can use the time before to review your notes and bullet points. Use the time after to record additional notes and send out a follow-up email (Tip 7).
It’s easy to lose track of something that was said in the midst of a discussion, even if you jot a note about it. If you go straight into another meeting, or dive right into answering Teams or Slack messages or emails, you can lose your train of thought. Spend those few extra minutes thinking about what was said and how that applies to you and your team member, and even what it means for other discussions – was there something said that should be applied to future goal setting? In respect to this year’s review? Taking the time to think and flesh out your notes will make future discussions and review time easier.
Tip 7: Send an email follow-up
You can do this, or you can ask your team member to do this – but one of you should follow up the meeting with an email. It should include what was discussed, any action items, and who is owning those items, plus delivery dates if that was promised.
Whether you create and send out the email or not, be sure to review what’s in it and true it against your notes. Bring up anything that might be missing, or add clarification. If you’re the one creating the email, encourage your team member to check it and note anything that needs to be added or corrected.
Tip 8: Ask the right questions
One of the worst things you can do in a one-on-one is say “So, how’s it going?”, while at the same time it’s probably the most common way one of these discussions starts.
Why? It’s too general and it’s too easy for the other person to simply say good or fine or something else that doesn’t provide any information relevant to the discussion.
Open-ended but directed questions are the ideal way to go in a one-on-one. For example –
Don’t say “So what’s new?”
Do say “Last week we talked about X – how is that going?”
Also, consider starting each one-on-one with some kind of a win. You might start with, “Great job on delivering that feature last week,” or “I really liked how you handled the conflict that came up on last week’s call with the database team”.
Tip 9: Ask for feedback
A one-on-one is a great time to open yourself up to feedback from your team, too. Give them time to express their thoughts on how you interact with the team, with them, or where you can be more communicative or supportive.
Asking for feedback accomplishes several things. One, it lets your team know that you care about how you help them. Two, it lets them know that you’re also looking for ways to improve. Three, it builds trust. And four, it models the kind of behavior you want to see.
Tip 10: Be present
Telling someone to “be present” can sound trite, and it shouldn’t be in this context. Part of the purpose of a one-on-one is to ensure that your team knows you take your role as coach and leader seriously and are there to help them and hear them. If you’re distracted or unprepared, that won’t be the impression they walk away with.
When you’re in a one-on-one, pause Slack or Teams, minimize your email, or, if you’re not using it for notes, ignore your computer altogether. Don’t pick up your phone for every buzz or ding. If you’re doing a remote meeting, let your family know you aren’t to be disturbed while on the call (I have a Post-It note that goes on the outside of my door – my family knows when that’s out there, I’m only to be interrupted for an actual emergency, not just because we’re out of milk or because someone lost their laptop charger – again.)
Think about how you’d feel if you’re having an important conversation with your boss, and they are constantly checking their phone or looking at their Apple Watch. That lack of attention can be telling, and without intentionally being present you could be sending the wrong message – one that could result in you doing interviews to backfill a position instead of doing one on ones.